*Content Warning: discussion of suicidal ideation, episodes and delusions*
Happy Sunday beautiful people!
Today’s post is a bit of a more real picture on why EUPD can be so exhausting, I want to share my experience of how this exhaustion impacts me to shed a bit more light on what people with a similar diagnosis can go through. Of course, this is my personal experience and may not be reflective of the EUPD community as a whole and their experiences are just as valid.
I want to talk about this, I need to talk about this because on the outside I may seem like I cope well and am ‘fine’ but underneath everything, there are so many processes happening all the time that eventually, like now, I begin to struggle more and more.
There are a few main reasons as to why I can become mentally depleted that evolves into physical exhaustion or just generally ‘off’ or tired at the end of the day. For me, this involves psychotic episodes, multiple large mood swings in a day, a period of high stress through the day which may or may not end up with my having an episode, experiencing emptiness, loneliness or a strong fear. A thing to remember about me is I do have multiple diagnoses and they more often than not interact with each other making the whole mess worse. I can not under or over-state how difficult it can be.
Starting with episodes. I don’t usually remember my episodes, it is like a white canvas of nothingness covers my brain when I try to remember. But having spoken to family, friends and my partner I have a pretty good idea of what happens. When I was younger, the episodes were usually alcohol-induced, I would become increasingly paranoid and speak at an incomprehensible speed and end up chanting as my mother would describe it. Now these episodes would make me tired the next day but I would recover quite quickly. Naturally, the have evolved since then and it usually now takes me a week to fully recover from an episode. I have often have a delusion of rats in the walls, I am constantly changing mood, like another person, I feel suicidal which I am known to laugh about in these episodes. When I do eventually settle after an hour or so I wake up with dread when I feel that blank in my mind, my body aches like I have been squished in a cupboard for hours. I am then low for days on end until my mind decides it is better and I can carry on with life.
Episodes are usually triggered by what I first discussed, either intense stress, precursored by mood swings as an early warning sign, or experiencing many symptoms all at once (i.e. low mood, paranoia, panic attacks, being angry then happy and empty all at the same time then interchanging.) But having an episode can also cause all of the above to happen, it is not just a vicious cycle, it is an ever-changing puzzle, even after 9 years I am still struggling to match the pieces.
Mood swings are even more complicated, a part of having EUPD means there is no repetition to how I react to situations no matter how positive or negative my mental health may be, no matter the stability. Simply put, for every emotion I feel, and there are many, they each have their own trigger and their own remedy and I am still figuring that out. Some days it feels like I am trying to solve a quantum physics equation in my mind. I am very sensitive to what occurs around me. That is exhausting.
Chronic emptiness is a key symptom with EUPD and for me, I just feel hollow in my bones, some days it is like I have no bones at all. It’s like I’m here, with nothing in me and nothing about me. No purpose, no meaning, not even a drop in the ocean. These are the days where I sigh the most and go through the motions of the day, I may end up feeling ‘alien’ or depressed or end with hypomania, there really is no way to tell. That is tiring.
The unknown is a big deal for me, so I struggle when my moods go all over the place because there are two me’s inside of me. ‘Me’ me and ‘Borderline’ me (BM). Every day I am at war with ‘Borderline’ me. For years I wonder where I started and ended, what actually is me. I am so thankful I now know who I actually am and can identify what BM is. It is a love and loathe relationship, I survived these years with thanks to the irrational overprotection of BM but she caused much damage too. Finding that balance has never been easy, I am getting there, but these things take a lot of time. Again, it can be exhausting.
I usually say to people that I love to learn, knowing there is still so much to know, and EUPD is certainly teaching me much. I wanted to open up a bit more today because I am struggling, I am finding my happy moments to be a bit too fleeting at the moment. Next week I will be giving a little update on life. I hope you found this interesting, if anyone has any questions I am more than happy to answer them 🙂
Please take care of yourselves,