Seeking help in a crisis state

*CW: Discussion on suicide and suicidal thoughts*

Dearest lovely readers,

Things have been hard lately. I have had somewhat of an unstable week where suicidal thoughts and ideation have been prevalent. Now, suicide prevention has always been something important to myself because of my experiences, at the moment I am hoping to campaign in my community on this.

But this week I did something new.

This is difficult to say because suicide has become such a taboo and triggering topic, but how are we meant to reverse and normalised these kinds of conversations if no one feels they can speak out, I suppose it’s my turn.

I went on a very exhausting emotional rollercoaster within the space of an hour I experienced a good 3 emotional phases and this drains me quite a lot so much. It meant I spent nearly the entirety of the next day sleeping because of the exhaustion. My mind became serious but there was a tiny part that told me to hold on. I wanted to drink, I wanted to binge, I wanted to cause self-injury. Instead I turned on my laptop and waited my turn to speak to someone on a web chat crisis helpline.

Whilst I waited to speak with someone I was anxious and nervous with thoughts like ‘was I really so bad that I needed this kind of help?’, ‘Do I really deserve this?’

I then spent the next hour unravelling everything going on in my mind and my heart and by the end of the session I felt a sense of unity within myself, a warmth of an imaginary blanket wrapped around me to keep me safe.

I lasted the night.

I’m so glad that I reached out because these people truly heard me. It showed that kindness is in the world. That it’s ok and acceptable and I didn’t need to struggle alone late at night. The person on the helpline helped guide me to safer feelings and gave me strength. I know I can go back to them should I ever need to and this time more readily.

I have historical experience with suicidal thoughts but I never reached out to these helplines because I didn’t feel I was “ill enough”. I would downplay it to myself. Seeking help from a stranger online can feel so scary but it’s something paramount to be able to deal with your mind. I wish I had done something like this other times so that I was not alone and dealing with the thoughts and feelings that scare me most.

These kinds of charities, such as CALM and their helplines are vital in order to save lives, truly save lives, to show that suicide is not the answer. Their work is vital given hundreds of people give up their lives each week. This kind of conversation needs to be normalised in order to reduce the people we love becoming just another statistic in the eyes of others.

We need to be able to say suicide is not the answer, we need to be able to see people as they are and give them safety, that is paramount. We need to rid of the archaic stigma that suicide is self, that we have to be “ill enough” to seek out support. Let’s start today, because there is hope and light to move forward.

Much love,

L x

If you are feeling suicidal I hear you, please, please contact someone whether your local crisis team, Samaritans on 116 123, contacting Papyrus, texting shout to 85258, or using CALM’s helplines at thecalmzone.net

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