Year in review and looking ahead

Hello dear ones, how are we feeling?

I’d like to take a little moment just for you to check how you are feeling, take a deep breath and just settle in for a little read. I’d also like to thank you all, our little community, for all your support this year. I’m so thankful for those of you reading my posts, my thoughts on different topics, it’s been quite the year hasn’t it? Welcome to all the very new people too, you are most welcome here.

This is a bit of a stereotypical post I suppose but I feel like doing it anyway. This year has undoubtedly been hard, at times heart-wrenching, and chaotic, I could easily list and rhyme off countless miseries of the year. But I’m more about hope in this little space. At times it can be more powerful than sadness and fear, which a lot of people can experience at this point. A time when post festive season blues can kick in, or when it can feel daunting that another year is here. People online mocking those thinking 2021 will “magically” be better. But I say, what’s stopping it from being like that?

Now, I’ve pretty much kept you all up to date on what I have been going through but I thought it’d be great to just have a little summary post of things I have enjoyed, little moments, small wins and what I’m so looking forward to now in this new year.

I think one of my all time favourite moments of 2020 was when I was down at my partner’s and we spent a hot, sunny day on the beachfront, sat on a bench and watching innumerous dogs pass by. It was just such a wonderful time, where I felt carefree and I was with my favourite person. We were just sat there for over an hour, and I loved it. Christmas was also so, so wonderful and I got to take plenty of Polaroids to put in a new scrapbook, very retro. Much earlier in the year I got to present and do a bit of motivational speaking for the first time, rather than purely speaking my experiences. It was so much fun!

I am proud of a few accomplishments of 2020 including passing another year of university with flying colours, starting my final year. I have, this festive season, tried two new foods and really enjoyed them. Earlier in 2020 I also found I could watch certain foods cook without being so averse to it. These are huge wins on their own.

I have learned the true value of gratitude and been so appreciative of my aspects of my life. My strength truly has been tested like never before and I’m still coming out winning. As my dissociation got worse, I became so afraid, but with the help of others and through my own self-determination I’m getting back on track. Again, I’m very grateful for this.

So what’s ahead? Well, a lot. This will be the year I finally graduate, I am hoping to do my Master’s Degree if not finding a job in mental health. I will be moving out, across the country. I hope to do more volunteering. I will be continuing this blog. I will get answers about what is causing all my physical pain, I will be trying to get my body stronger. I hope to finally be able to have savings.

It’s definitely sounding like a lot for that. But for now, my goals for the first quarter are to focus on assignments, get a little workout regime sorted and eat a little better, have a small emergency savings fund, focus on deepening my connection to Buddhism and finding a new volunteering placement. Little actions with little steps are the key here. Of course, I will also hopefully create some good content for you here as this section of the internet has been so wonderful for me. I hope that is reciprocated.

I hope you are able to find some wins in 2020, and I hope you all have a magical year ahead filled with such joy, goodness and happiness.

Be gentle with yourself and take care,

L x

Journey to the centre of me..

Hello all.

Today is another personal post of sorts but am excited to discuss a bit more about it after the last few weeks. One of the things I am quite proud of is my self-awareness and knowing who I am, especially since for many years I have experienced identity crises. However, times are changing and I along with it. In recent weeks, I have been in the process of not only changing my relationship with food, but also my spiritual relationship and studying Buddhism.

Relationship with food

I have not had a healthy relationship with it since I was 11. After my panic attacks started I felt like I needed something to control, however, had I known the long-term impact, I would certainly have found a healthy coping mechanism. These days I often binge eat and have lost control. I have tried diets, HIIT workouts and facing my fear of food by trying different things occasionally. This was thinking my weight was causing my unstable habits and a diet to me was a “healthy” way of recovery. It is not. A person whom I look up to suggested Intuitive Eating a while back and just a few weeks ago I started reading the original works by nutrition therapists and registered dieticians Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.

I devoured this book within hours, learning of the ten core principles and finding it made so much sense, I was eager to start respecting my body, honouring my hunger and rejecting the diet mentality, along with the other principles. I was quite anxious about how I would cope. I am very much an emotional eater, often eating just because I am bored. But the first few days, I was pleased with being able to truly listen to my body and all of its needs. 

I have not binge eaten in weeks, I think nearly a month. I am slowly learning my hunger and fullness signals too. Understandably, it’s a long process and there’s still more to learn but I am already noticing a change in how I view food, it’s purpose and what I need. 

Buddhism

I understand religion can be a contentious issue, let me start by saying I believe religion and spirituality are a personal choice but thought starting to share my journey may be of interest. Personally, I have always been spiritual, believing in something divine, otherworldly. I have always felt it took a large space in my heart. I have over recent years expanded in to researching and seeking out guidance. Having the country in lockdown gave me time to think and really reflect on my worldview and values.

It sort of hit me that values and actions I have taken in the last few months almost aligned with Buddhism. I have always had a great respect for their teachings, a part of me had long enjoyed Buddhism and in a moment I knew I needed to seek out guidance. I messaged a well-known meditation teacher and Buddhist monk, Gelong Thubten for advice. He directed me to Tergar. 

I am now undertaking the beginning course to deepen my meditation practice which I can already witness is giving me greater clarity of mind and heightened awareness in my day to day life. Those around me have also noticed positive differences. I am also slowly integrating Buddhist teachings and following them as best I can right now. I am so excited for what the future holds in store for me as I learn.

Peace and love to you,

L x