The power of small: Time to Talk Day

Good morning my lovely readers,

I’d like to take a moment for you to check in with yourselves, how are you doing? For many, January seems to have been a long, hard month, a difficult time for many. I hope you are all well.

Next Thursday is a special day. It is the final Time to Talk Day. For those whom may not know what TTTD is, it is a day ran by Time to Change encouraging everyone to have a conversation with people around mental health in order to end mental health stigma. It is the final one now that Time to Change is ending. The theme is “the power of small”.

I am enjoying this theme because it really does remind me of how powerful “the small” can be. Many are hosting online events or campaigning on social media. As I do not have social media I won’t be partaking on the likes of Instagram or Facebook.

The aim is to remind people that you don’t have to great gestures to make a change in someone’s life, simply asking a friend or a family member how they are doing can be just as powerful. For myself, I am going to be sending an email/letter to my MP in the hopes of being able to raise more awareness in the community and see if anything can be done to help those becoming unwell in my local area.

The power of small is mighty. We don’t have to focus on a specific day, we can live the power of small. Realistically, we all have small actions that set the foundations of our days, which can ultimately transform our life. Small is the foundation. You don’t start your morning without many small actions such as hydrating yourself, getting dressed, when unwell, these “basics” can make all the difference.

Sometimes we have to go back to our foundations as a way of building back up and to foster more positivity within us. Get to where we need to be. Those foundations are small, but they’re strong.

I try to remember that small actions mean a lot, I also try to embed it with kindness. Because if we are kind to one person, or five people, in our lives or strangers, in a week, we might help an awful lot of people that way. We give a sense of meaning and community to us and those around us by showing small acts of kindness, even just by checking in with them.

So I hope you have some lovely conversations this week, and may you have a wonderful week ahead.

All my love,

L x

An little open letter to 16 year old me

Dearest Me,

You are now freshly turned sixteen years-old and right now, you are exhausted. You are overwhelmed. You are frightened. And looking back it is so easy and visible to understand why.

Sleep is a rarity, food has become the one thing you can control again, you would much rather just leave this plane of existence, you are overwhelmed and lost in emotions, chronic emptiness and baffled by what you experience inside your head. You don’t know why this is happening.

You now spend your lunch in the library alone working on preparing for your exams. You think life just cannot get much worse.

As you grow, life is going to get messier, more complicated, more nuanced. You will struggle, there will be times when it feels as if it could not get any worse, then it does. I will not lie.

You will make questionable choices when it comes to love, you experience the thrills of a partying lifestyle, your social circle grows then shrinks to those who matter most to you, who truly lift you up out of your bad times. You gain your family’s wholehearted support.

As you grow, life is going to become a bit easier though. You get therapy, and meet some wonderful workers who give you hope about the system.

Where am I right now nine years later?

You have found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, one whom respects you and sets your world on fire, who gives you the healthy relationship you deserve, and understands better than anyone what you go through. You are about to graduate university, which may be a shock given you thought you’d never get there. You have made some wonderful friends too. Your immediate circle is filled with true friendship. You find your faith system.

More importantly, you become happy and satisfied with life, you’ve learned how your illnesses work and what to do in order to quell their flames. We struggle, but we do not struggle alone. That is what matters.

My advice to you: live life, explore what needs exploring, we don’t know what the future holds, we will get to where we need to be when the time comes.

Hold on, dear one, because life is just beginning, and it’s wondrous.

All my love,

L x

Positively anti-New Year’s

Hi all!

Today I have decided to let my partner write a post, he wishes to be known as L . Now this isn’t a rant about New Year Resolutions, it’s more of a look at bringing a brighter new year with something more fulfilling and positive instead of a focus on restriction and change, losing something. So without further ado…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year everyone, I hope you are all having a brilliant start to a (touch wood) amazing year.

I have been asked by the lovely L to write a post and what better framing device would be the idea of a New Years resolution.

The concept is pretty common and to some extent we have all decided, in the new year, that something about us has to change.

My issue with this idea may minor but I feel the hit the crux of the concept.

  1. Oftentimes we stretch too far, the goal we set is unsustainable for a sudden change. Though it may start well, the inevitable petering out of high New Years goals is a frequent and well heard thing.
  2. Others may feel pressured to change because of the new year. The idea of “New Year-New Me” is everywhere and the idea that we must be forever changing or else we fall behind can be far too much for many.

So my solution? My idea is an anti-new years revolution!

Instead of something new, what is a something of the previous year that you appreciated? Did you start reading more? Maybe you have been drinking more water as of late? Maybe you have been enjoying cooking more and trying new recipes?

Instead of in stating something new, take something that made you happy into the new year. A continuation of yourself into the new year, instead of a pressure to alter ones self a continuation of what made you happy.

Last year I started reading again, I managed to get through quite a few books and I fell in love all over again with some old favourite reads. I wish to continue that into the new year, reinforcing a good habit and get a few more good reads reviewed.

Just an idea to consider, what anti-resolutions would you make? I hope you have a wonderful year everyone.

Year in review and looking ahead

Hello dear ones, how are we feeling?

I’d like to take a little moment just for you to check how you are feeling, take a deep breath and just settle in for a little read. I’d also like to thank you all, our little community, for all your support this year. I’m so thankful for those of you reading my posts, my thoughts on different topics, it’s been quite the year hasn’t it? Welcome to all the very new people too, you are most welcome here.

This is a bit of a stereotypical post I suppose but I feel like doing it anyway. This year has undoubtedly been hard, at times heart-wrenching, and chaotic, I could easily list and rhyme off countless miseries of the year. But I’m more about hope in this little space. At times it can be more powerful than sadness and fear, which a lot of people can experience at this point. A time when post festive season blues can kick in, or when it can feel daunting that another year is here. People online mocking those thinking 2021 will “magically” be better. But I say, what’s stopping it from being like that?

Now, I’ve pretty much kept you all up to date on what I have been going through but I thought it’d be great to just have a little summary post of things I have enjoyed, little moments, small wins and what I’m so looking forward to now in this new year.

I think one of my all time favourite moments of 2020 was when I was down at my partner’s and we spent a hot, sunny day on the beachfront, sat on a bench and watching innumerous dogs pass by. It was just such a wonderful time, where I felt carefree and I was with my favourite person. We were just sat there for over an hour, and I loved it. Christmas was also so, so wonderful and I got to take plenty of Polaroids to put in a new scrapbook, very retro. Much earlier in the year I got to present and do a bit of motivational speaking for the first time, rather than purely speaking my experiences. It was so much fun!

I am proud of a few accomplishments of 2020 including passing another year of university with flying colours, starting my final year. I have, this festive season, tried two new foods and really enjoyed them. Earlier in 2020 I also found I could watch certain foods cook without being so averse to it. These are huge wins on their own.

I have learned the true value of gratitude and been so appreciative of my aspects of my life. My strength truly has been tested like never before and I’m still coming out winning. As my dissociation got worse, I became so afraid, but with the help of others and through my own self-determination I’m getting back on track. Again, I’m very grateful for this.

So what’s ahead? Well, a lot. This will be the year I finally graduate, I am hoping to do my Master’s Degree if not finding a job in mental health. I will be moving out, across the country. I hope to do more volunteering. I will be continuing this blog. I will get answers about what is causing all my physical pain, I will be trying to get my body stronger. I hope to finally be able to have savings.

It’s definitely sounding like a lot for that. But for now, my goals for the first quarter are to focus on assignments, get a little workout regime sorted and eat a little better, have a small emergency savings fund, focus on deepening my connection to Buddhism and finding a new volunteering placement. Little actions with little steps are the key here. Of course, I will also hopefully create some good content for you here as this section of the internet has been so wonderful for me. I hope that is reciprocated.

I hope you are able to find some wins in 2020, and I hope you all have a magical year ahead filled with such joy, goodness and happiness.

Be gentle with yourself and take care,

L x

Post-Christmas

Hello all.

I apologise for the lack of posting last week, I was a bit unwell and burned out after a very difficult Friday, but I am now well-ish and back.

This week has gone well, I feel very appreciative of my mood being better. As the world knows, Friday was Christmas. I had doubts a few months back about what Christmas would look like and whether there would be joy. I was very glad to be proven wrong, this Christmas season has been utterly wonderful. My partner who is still here for a little while got to celebrate Christmas with my family.

Simply put, there was good food and very good company. I got some very thougthful presents and there was much joy to be had and some good entertainment. I ended the day rather relaxed. Boxing day yesterday, was a bit busy doing a few jobs that needed doing but we have more than relaxed today.

I am not going to list or show all the presents I got, that was a reason why I came off of social media, I don’t see the point. It was actually so wonderful to simply be in the moment, taking the odd polaroid picture to capture the day and be with those closest to me. I sent the occasional text to friends, it was bliss.

I dressed up a bit for the day, which I haven’t done in so long and felt nice. By 4pm I was in loungewear I won’t lie. I also managed to stay sober despite the temptations which is a massive win. I have also found two new foods I like this festive season. I am so proud of myself!

I have nothing but praise and thanks for this year’s Christmas; I am ever more thankful each year that passes.

How was your Christmas?

Love,

L x

25 lessons

Good evening all,

So I love my lessons it seems. Yesterday was a big birthday (for me), I turned 25, I have had 7 additional years I thought I’d never see. Though I’m still young, I have learned a lot already, I’ve seen a lot of life in such a short time. I turned a quarter of a century, in the middle of a pandemic, it was my first sober birthday since 16 and probably my last one in my hometown (for a while at least). Yeah, that’s big for me.

So I thought I’d do a small post, just sharing general life lessons I have learned so far, it’s mainly a reminder to myself, should I ever forget. Something to reflect on as I get older.

1. Life can throw many, many terrible things at you, sometimes all at once (think 2014, L)

2. You don’t have to have everything figured out by age 18.

3. Following on from 2, plans will never go exactly according to your schedule.

4. Everything is impermanent.

5. You will see both the wondrous and awful nature of humans at some point.

6. There are over 7 billion versions of reality and what life should look like on this planet.

7. If you don’t want to experiment or “go wild” because you’re ‘young’, then don’t.

8. Live life according to yourself, and no one else.

9. There are extremes to every view and thought in this world.

10. Always seek help where you need it, in any given situation.

11. You’re going to mess up. That is an inevitable fact. No one leaves their life without making mistakes.

12. Don’t be afraid of having an opinion. It’s how you find your values.

13. Don’t be afraid of conflict. Though do not seek it out.

14. Violence is never the answer.

15. Set goals and dream, but be prepared to be flexible.

16. The future is never guaranteed, but certainly seek it out.

17. Sometimes being curious about the future is enough to find your way there.

18. Everyone has something to contribute.

19. Try your best to be compassionate, understanding and empathetic.

20. Communicate.

21. There is always something fun to do.

22. Don’t procrastinate.

23. Life has its meaning.

24. Everyone has strength.

25. Always, always keep going.

Much merry love,

L x

The joy of handwritten letters

Hello all, are you ready to get writing?

I’ll get straight into it, for quite some time now I have loved writing letters to people, to friends and other loved ones. I even have a pen pal who lives in Oklahoma and I’ve written letters since I was young starting with my late step-grandfather. Really there’s just something so wonderful about writing letters.

With all of this modern technology; of instant messaging, texts, calls, emails (even though that seems a bit 90s unless you work in an environment that requires emails), writing letters is seen as such an old-fashioned pastime by many people and I want to dispel the myths about this.

Let’s start with one of the main reasons why I encourage you to write a letter to someone, whether it is your future self, even a friend in the same time that you live in or your parents. It calls on connection. When you write a letter you can speak your truth in utter privacy you can ‘talk’ for as long as you want: that letter has no limits. It can be any subject of your choice and it’s your automatic thoughts and feelings on paper that allows for someone to really see how you are feeling and who you are; it doesn’t have to be reduced to characters or a few words on a status.

The recipient of a letter gets the span just a few minutes away from their lives and feeling a part of yours and I think that’s something really special. I saw the addictive and unfortunately bad side of social media but I’m not the one to discourage people from texts and emails, I still use them as a method of communication. I will not judge anyone who prefers that method I’m not anti-technology – I just love sometimes being able to escape away from my laptop, and my phone, and my Kindle, away from all the screens around me and just have this fresh sheet of paper to write whatever comes to mind. Whatever comes from the heart without embarrassment of feeling like I’m sharing too much. I feel like I can surprise someone with small gesture of openness to say, “hello, how are you, what is going on in life, take this moment to connect with me”.

Writing letters has been studied so much in regards to well-being, various mental health charities have shared their findings that writing letters and having penpals can actually reduce loneliness. Loneliness currently is an epidemic that needs to be expelled and there are such a simple tools and writing letters one of them. Writing letters is also known to help your cognition and executive function so that you have a better ability. It also improves the creativity because you are just writing and writing almost as if it was a free writing exercise.

Sometimes I feel I have so much to say but I don’t know who to say it to or how to express it and sometimes a letter can help. Or a little note to say “hey I’m thinking of you” and straying away from just letting someone see words on a screen. Not believe me, I know the power of the word and the power of the internet and I can sound hypocritical because I am writing to you on an internet blog. I have no qualms about technology, either way we interact online as long as it’s safe and enjoyable. But sometimes it can be addictive, and it can feel like you’re not really connecting to someone, and I think sometimes we have to revert to simple methods. There’s just something wonderful knowing that a bit of positive post, something a bit out of the ordinary, a little surprise comes in the mail box alongside all the bills and it can brighten someone’s day, at least that’s been my experience.

What are your thoughts on this? Because I’d love to hear other people’s opinions and I’m also up for having more penpals it means I get to buy cute letter writing sets, let me know.

All my love and happiness to you,

L x

Lessons I have learned from anger

Good day to you lovelies. Are you all settled in?

I thought today would be a good time to finish my lessons learned for now. Today’s topic is, I would say, a bit contentious to those of us with EUPD. Mainstream media would paint us as aggressive, quick to anger, and act on blind rage. Whilst I have had moments where rage and anger take over, this is simply because for myself I do have difficulty in dealing healthily with anger. It is one of the most potent emotions I experience, an ever-consuming fire. But it would always be contained, in the past I did not handle it well at all and it turned into suffering.

I want to preface this by saying I have never acted on my rage and hurt others physically, nor do I condone this in any way.

Like all emotions, anger has its place in our emotional repertoire and experiencing anger in the way I have, and reflecting on this in therapy has taught me a couple of things.

When boundaries have been crossed
Now, we all have boundaries within ourselves that safeguard our well-being, whether we are aware of them or not. Some are instilled in our conditioning as we grow, others we explicitly form ourselves. It is common for anger to rise in me when my own boundaries have been crossed, whether through words or actions. I have learned now more about the boundaries I have, and when I need to put some in place temporarily to protect my well-being and reduce the chances of me having to experience anger. Though I have healthy outlets, it certainly does not lessen the intensity of the experience.

Anger signals when I view, hear or experience things that go against my values/moral compass
Much like boundaries, we all have our own values as humans that guide our morality and ethical compasses. Oftentimes, I have become angry when my values have been crossed, when I witness something that goes against who I am as a human being. For example, injustice, or reports of hatred in the news. There have been times when my anger has gone to extremes, I will not lie. But each time I become angered now, I ask myself why, what is it in particular that has caused this experience, what can I learn from it?

Not to hide emotions
This is a big one. For so many years, I was used to putting on a mask of sanity, if you will, hiding anything and everything for the sake of others. To lessen the stigma and annoyance by other people. Yet in reality, it made things so much worse, not only for myself but to others around me, they would think I was fine and that was not the true picture. In order to properly process my feelings and emotions, they need to be fully experienced, fully shown, appropriately expressed and then dealt with.

What has anger taught you?

Wish you joy and happiness,

L x

A ramble on my health

How are we all? I sincerely hope you’re all well as the nights get earlier.

So I haven’t done a ramble in a while and I know it was liked a while back. So I thought I’d do a little update on health. I find with both my physical health and mental health, each will dip one after the other.

In August, I had a day being bedridden and thought, “I’ll heal up quickly, my arthritis has spread to my knees but I’ll be fine”. Let me tell you, it definitely was not fine. After a few blood tests, medication changes and many calls with GPs I was finally referred to a rheumatologist. I now spend most days in bed, I have almost fallen a few times because my knees have given way. Just the other day I spent 7 hours in A&E due to my ribs burning and having shortness of breath. I am rather immobile. On top of this, my mental health became disastrous at the same time which has been very rare. I had an awful episode the other week.

Yet I’m still here.

I’ll be honest, the fatigue is getting to me, I really am feeling like everything is out of control. I started November 1st utterly depressed, then manic, making lots of goals and plans to improve my fitness and mental health. Yet it was not to be after this week. And I have accepted that. I guess the fear of what is going on in the world got to me. And that is okay too.

People often say we have to help ourselves and have this notion that we can just fix ourselves when really, chronic conditions are usually pretty much here to stay.

So what have I done to help myself? I have followed basic self-care and fought to be referred to rheumatology, my appointment is next week and while I will definitely struggle to get there, I will be there. I have took up private therapy to work through everything. I am taking new medication for my mental health, having been taken off my antipsychotic and adjusting to that. I have accepted that all of this is a process that could months, but I’m prepared to see it through. But for now, I shall have to do what feels right for my body and mind, even if it’s not the way I want to be.

I have found that in these times when everything seems wrong, we must especially have hope, find the strength to keep on and keep going forward, otherwise what was the point of starting the journey to fight? I will not lose the joy and wonder of life. I will keep writing, reading, studying for uni, studying Buddhism. I will keep myself going and fill life with what I love as much as I can.

I shall also use the wonderful Black Dog Institute mood tracker to keep an eye on things and see where I’m at with myself, my 2012 style.

It is times like these where I really see the inder-dependency of both mental health and physical health and the impact of each other and how they link. When I feel so limited in my body, my mood utterly drops. When my mood is low I don’t try to do much with my body which hurts it. Times like these are why I’m so grateful for when I am well. Yet, I’m strangely grateful for these times too when I think about it and reflect. I know that doesn’t make sense. But nothing is permanent, and I learn what I can from these points and I’m reminded of my unadulterated strength of being able to get through this.

Keep going lovelies, we got this.

Much love,

L x

My new routine

Hi all!

Today is just a little update on my routines, I thought a little ramble and a small, easy-going topic might be appreciated amongst everything going on in the world.

So a few weeks ago, I became unwell, quite badly. But after a day embroiled amongst my emotions I knew I had to take control. So I re-started my routines, in order to give my days structure. Using the behavioural activation techniques I learned at the start of therapy I formed an outline of how my days would look. For example, when I would study and which module/topic, when I would need to do things such as budgeting and housework or laundry. I also set time for reading which has become my main hobby.

This instantly boosted my mood, having a framework to plan against lessened the decision fatigue. I also have a firm reminder in my head it can change if needs be, depending upon my state of mind, or how my body is (currently in a 3 months long flare up of something, currently awaiting to see a rheumatologist).

It looks like so (Monday to Thursday):

Around 8am – awaken, read dharma texts, get ready, sort piggies, meditate, housework and other jobs I need to do
Around 10am – study
Around 12pm – see to bun-bun, have lunch
Around 1.20pm – study
Around 3pm – tidy away, change clothes, meditate
4pm onwards – read, dinner, read, watch a bit of TV online
6pm – journal, take meds, prepare to rest in bed

I know it sounds silly going to bed so early, but I have found I do need more sleep at the moment, I will fall asleep around 9pm to awaken at 7, which I spend again, relaxing in bed.

This routine works for me, I feel like I am making the most of the day I can, I will reiterate that this is but a brief guide for me, if I have appointments or seeing friends I move my schedule around, simple as that.

Have anyone else got a daily routine and amongst morning/night routines? Anything you’d like me to try?

Sending loving-kindness your way,

L x