It’s been a while..

Dearest lovely readers,

It really has been a while hasn’t it? I can only apologise.

Have you ever felt so lost it’s like you’re on a rocky path that seemingly leads to nowhere in the dark? That is what it seems to have been for me during my period of silence. Everything running out of my control and in ways I couldn’t imagine. If you have ever felt like this, then you’re not alone, I am in solidarity with you.

My health has drastically changed over the last few months and it’s taken some getting used to. I figured, whilst I was in a good place, I’d update you.

Well, I came out with a First Class degree in case you were wondering. Top of the top, my work will also be used as a good example for future students to learn from. So that saw a period of celebration. We also celebrated my partner’s 30th, it was low key but relaxing and an overall good day! My partner has been coming up to see me and will do so again this coming Tuesday since I am struggling so much. It always feels wonderful to be around him.

Mental health wise I have been up and down. I’m currently coming off a medication slowly as it didn’t seem to be as effective anymore. I was happy to do this and honestly? I do feel a bit better for it, I’m certainly not as foggy (though fibromyalgia doesn’t help). I feel a little more free when I am well. The down periods do certainly have an impact lately, I have been easily triggered and ideation is happening more than I’d like. But with the help of my mam, family and partner I’m coping.

Physically I have been rendered mostly bedbound again. The fatigue has been so real, and nigh on constant, as has the ‘fibro-fog’. Which I am sure many understand. The flares have been getting worse I assume due to my mental health worsening.

What makes this harder is the delays in treatment. I have been waiting for two months for a rheumatologist letter to get to my GP for a referral to a management clinic. My therapy for what I’m going through is now paused indefinitely. There is certainly no change coming from services soon.

So what do I do?

The disappointment with therapy being cancelled overwhelmed me. But I had a choice. Let it consume me for weeks or fight to find a way out of this darkness.

So.

I have bought some informative books from very trusted sources and am essentially going to study myself better. Making changes in my life where I can and prepare for my next meetings/appointments so I can question possible things that may help.

I am not giving up. I can’t. What good would that do?

I do firmly believe in things like correct psycho-education and self-help from the right sources, I think a lot of good can be done from that. So I’m off to study.

How are you doing, dearest? I am here.

Much love,

L x

A ramble 2.0

Dearest lovely readers,

It has been a while, hasn’t it?

Things have been tricky lately. I have been on a break on almost everything. Rambles and updates seem to be a favourite so here goes…

I spent a couple of weeks with my partner in the south west. The train down saw me stranded in the rain for a few hours before I got on track to my destination. The stress caused a week of exhaustion. But, despite the worsening mental health, it was still lovely to be beside the sea. I had some beautiful gelato and plenty of hugs and down time.

In the good news, I have just 2 weeks to wait for my degree classification. My nerves are starting to get jittery. I am eager to see my scores. The first part of my future being concluded. It is after all, 5 years in the making.

This week I was told I have fibromyalgia. This wasn’t a shock as such, more an answer and validation of what I have been going through so long. I still have yet to come to grips with having yet another chronic condition at just 25 years old. It can be quite daunting, can’t it? I have realised I have yet to speak of my physical condition history. Maybe my next post? It is all very new to me and I look forward to learning more. It is my hope that in the coming months I will learn better pain management techniques and slowly build up endurance. I may never get to where I once was but I hope to be able to at the very least be functional through my pain.

My mental health has been a greater pain lately. I will be honest and say things are getting worse. I’m reliving things I’d sooner forget. My care coordinator believes there is a strong possibility I have PTSD. So in the coming months I will also be seeking answers for this. I want answers as to what could be causing my dissociation which is occurring nearly every day. In August I hope to have an overhaul of my medication and to start the assessment process.

Now life in general?

I am getting by.

Everything is slowly opening back up. I went to the cinema yesterday and my anxiety was outstandingly high! Clearly, I have gotten out of practice being outside. It is going to be hard to adjust. I saw my two best friends Friday evening which was lovely, but I felt a little… well, I’m unsure. I don’t have many friends these days, but I appreciate those two like you wouldn’t believe. I have many challenges to face it seems.

I have been pondering and reflecting on my life, the way I have made changes. Whilst I am limited, I have faced loneliness. I have faced my other self-states. I am still going.

Whatever challenges you may be facing, I hope you keep going too.

All my love,

L x

A celebration in London

Dearest lovely readers,

It has been a while hasn’t it?

Well, I am here to talk today about little breaks away.

Following finishing university and passing my training to be a crisis volunteer I went to London to meet my partner. We spent 5 wonderful days away in London.

I have been struggling with my mental health problems quite a bit lately, so much so, it looks like a new diagnosis may be on the horizon (I will leave that to the professionals though). Even they took a break for me.

London has always been a special place for my partner and I, it’s where we first met and it’s the “middle” of where we can meet given we still live on the opposite sides of the country!

It was so relaxing, doing a spot of shopping, treating each other, visiting the aquarium. We even went for a meal out! It was so lovely to just relax and spend time one another. We enjoy London every time we go (the tube not so much I will admit).

I always say that self-care should be the basics and most simple things, but sometimes even a short break away can make all the difference. Getting to put a pause on life, even for an overnight stay can leave people feeling refreshed and rested. I think it’s an important thing to remember that we all need a break sometimes, and it’s completely okay to do so. It doesn’t have to be an expensive affair. But getting away can make all the difference to your mental health.

I feel refreshed and ready to tackle life once again, maybe it was seeing my partner but I felt safe and loved and came back home to get things on the right track again.

Have you got any little breaks away planned?

Much love,

L x

Considering alcohol

Dearest lovely readers,

As mentioned in my previous post I would write a word on alcohol in our society. Now, I would like to note this is not representative of everyone’s view on alcohol. These are just some things I have noticed and felt that alcohol can be an impactful factor on well-being.

There is something important I have learned on my journey through sobriety, and that is the varying forms alcoholism. Being an “alcoholic” or someone who misuses alcohol is definitely not always what we see on TV.

We use alcohol not only to socialise, but for special occasions, celebrations, we give it as gifts, meals, to relax, to taste, to binge on, to let off steam, it’s on banners and cards to give others. You can go into stores and there is always a selection of wines, ciders, ales, beers, spirits, then mixers and alcopops. The SGS Handbook makes a poignant question: if all alcohol was packaged as cigarettes currently are, all the same and bland, would it be as popular?

We so often forget that alcohol is a drug, a depressant which can slow down brain functions whilst also inducing lesser inhibition (1).

Alcohol can easily and quickly become addictive, or used as a crutch regularly. The reduction on inhibition can lead to impulsive and dangerous situations much like other substances. I myself have ended up in unsavoury situations and positions. Often having episodes of anything bad happened. Alcohol can also leave you feeling low for days on end as a come down because of its depressant activity.

Alcoholism is related to 5% of worldwide deaths and is the fourth most preventable disease in the world (2). The result of alcoholism is a weakened immune system, poor health (both mental and physical), poorer relationships. Alcohol works as stereotypical illegal drugs in gaining tolerance and having to drink more and more to get the same feeling, and it can start from the first drink for people.

The NHS details many more risks and long term complications around alcohol use and helps to give help if needed (3).

Can alcohol be enjoyable? Absolutely. But should it be as celebrated as it is? To me, knowing what I know now, not really.

I am proud of being sober, and as someone who was told by a GP on their 21st birthday that they’d die if they kept up the drinking of alcohol, I wish I had learned sobriety long ago.

Much love,

L x

(1) https://www.addictioncenter.com/community/is-alcohol-a-drug/

(2) https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/

(3) https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

Celebrating sobriety

Dearest lovely readers,

I DID IT.

One year sober today.

It’s been strange, I feel strange about it, almost like it hasn’t been so long. I know that many others are years and years ahead, but we all must start somewhere.

It’s been a difficult journey. After my final, negative experience I knew it was best to turn my head and walk away from something that has caused me so much trouble. Psychotic episodes, behaviours I no longer wanted. It took an awful lot for me to finally realise I needed to stop drinking.

At first, it was quite easy, alcohol immediately smelled horrible and appeared as unappealing. So the first few weeks were easier. But as I got unwell, it became harder, I would crave. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I wanted a drink when I was low, or desperate for an out of what I was feeling.

I used to love the partying lifestyle, never mind the drama it would bring. I used to think I’d never give it up.

But it brought damaging situations, I’d often be suicidal after drinking, I dread thinking of all the episodes I had that my mother had to deal with.

I’m baring all as an honest account that drinking has a dark side. During my journey on this path, I read a lot about alcohol, read a bit of quit lit (Sober Girl Society is great!) and it’s been eye opening just how ingrained alcohol is in our society. But that’s a discussion for another day.

I am proud of how far I’ve come, alcohol was ingrained in my life. Whilst some nights out brought great memories, there were just too many bad risks associated in my life. I saw myself ending up broken if I kept up drinking. So I made the choice to stop. To end a cycle.

There wasn’t anything magical for me when I stopped must admit.

But given the statistics of addiction and borderline personality disorder, I knew the risk. So I made the decision to make sure I did not end up as another statistic.

So today I’m celebrating how far I’ve come, and I’m looking forward to more years of sobriety. It was a great decision for my physical AND mental health.

Over the next couple of weeks, I shall bring some reviews on quit lit and a little bit of information on alcohol.

Sobriety is a difficult decision, and a difficult journey, but relying on things as vices is never healthy. I sometimes feel great about my choice, other times not so much, but it’s all about one day at a time.

Much, much love,

L x

The joy of reading

Dearest lovely readers,

How are we all faring on this windy day?

I have just been for my third walk of the week which is the first time since last summer, this is a huge win for me. I feel, strangely enough, more alive I will be writing in future on simple activities that can bring joy for people. For today, I thought I would write about the joy of reading.

It is an activity that has gone on for ages with fantastic fantasy to imaginative, sci-fi to thrillers and endless topics of non-fiction. There is something for everyone. It seems that in these times less people have been picking up books, at least until last year. I think people are rediscovering the wonder of books. It can come in many forms from hidden meanings and messages within books to social commentary on things we face as humans today and it’s impactful.

I used to love reading as a child my level was “advanced”. I devoured every book that I could get my hands on, the books were a bit simpler but I still enjoyed being able to challenge myself.

One of the main reasons why there is so much joy in reading is because of the versatility, I feel. You can get books from chain retailers, independent bookshops, the libraries, as ebooks or hard copies, there’s always something out there. Then you have the endless choice of genre from horror to thriller to crime and drama, romance, and that’s just fiction. In non-fiction you have environment, science, well-being, culture, sexuality, gender, socio-political issues, written by experts, or people with experience. Voices of people who are less heard are being plastered as best sellers. It’s excellent and fascinating.

Reading is accessible as well. You have “normal” books, you even have graphic novels and manga. You can get it in large print, in braille, as audiobooks. So no one is denied the right to enjoy a world within some pages.

By having a joy of reading you reap the benefits of better well-being. It is found in countless studies that reading reduces levels of stress and depression. It can increase feelings of relaxation, book clubs can reduce loneliness, having books to be read as a family can increase connectedness and canincrease the awareness of oneself. People can explore their own identities and other people’s identities by having more voices heard in fiction and non-fiction alike (Reading Agency). I can only speak from experience in saying that this is accurate for myself and others around me. I find my well-being does benefit when reading at the moment. I am enjoying non-fiction and I’m currently reading The Gene by Siddartha Mukherjee. Next I’m going to read Pride and Prejudice.

This just shows the flexibility of reading and how simple it can be to find something you connect with and I think that’s the important thing: the connection. Throughout the day we are so busy going from one job to the next with a multitude of commitments but reading gives us that chance to find a connection with something that isn’t involving technology or humans. Because that can wear us out. It’s about being present in the moment focusing on something miraculous really.

if you want to get into reading,look at the Reading Agency, they have many programmes, hit libraries when they open. Make it a personal affair, a family affair, make it a friend affair, make it a community affair.

Much love, as always

L x

The power of small: Time to Talk Day

Good morning my lovely readers,

I’d like to take a moment for you to check in with yourselves, how are you doing? For many, January seems to have been a long, hard month, a difficult time for many. I hope you are all well.

Next Thursday is a special day. It is the final Time to Talk Day. For those whom may not know what TTTD is, it is a day ran by Time to Change encouraging everyone to have a conversation with people around mental health in order to end mental health stigma. It is the final one now that Time to Change is ending. The theme is “the power of small”.

I am enjoying this theme because it really does remind me of how powerful “the small” can be. Many are hosting online events or campaigning on social media. As I do not have social media I won’t be partaking on the likes of Instagram or Facebook.

The aim is to remind people that you don’t have to great gestures to make a change in someone’s life, simply asking a friend or a family member how they are doing can be just as powerful. For myself, I am going to be sending an email/letter to my MP in the hopes of being able to raise more awareness in the community and see if anything can be done to help those becoming unwell in my local area.

The power of small is mighty. We don’t have to focus on a specific day, we can live the power of small. Realistically, we all have small actions that set the foundations of our days, which can ultimately transform our life. Small is the foundation. You don’t start your morning without many small actions such as hydrating yourself, getting dressed, when unwell, these “basics” can make all the difference.

Sometimes we have to go back to our foundations as a way of building back up and to foster more positivity within us. Get to where we need to be. Those foundations are small, but they’re strong.

I try to remember that small actions mean a lot, I also try to embed it with kindness. Because if we are kind to one person, or five people, in our lives or strangers, in a week, we might help an awful lot of people that way. We give a sense of meaning and community to us and those around us by showing small acts of kindness, even just by checking in with them.

So I hope you have some lovely conversations this week, and may you have a wonderful week ahead.

All my love,

L x

Positively anti-New Year’s

Hi all!

Today I have decided to let my partner write a post, he wishes to be known as L . Now this isn’t a rant about New Year Resolutions, it’s more of a look at bringing a brighter new year with something more fulfilling and positive instead of a focus on restriction and change, losing something. So without further ado…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year everyone, I hope you are all having a brilliant start to a (touch wood) amazing year.

I have been asked by the lovely L to write a post and what better framing device would be the idea of a New Years resolution.

The concept is pretty common and to some extent we have all decided, in the new year, that something about us has to change.

My issue with this idea may minor but I feel the hit the crux of the concept.

  1. Oftentimes we stretch too far, the goal we set is unsustainable for a sudden change. Though it may start well, the inevitable petering out of high New Years goals is a frequent and well heard thing.
  2. Others may feel pressured to change because of the new year. The idea of “New Year-New Me” is everywhere and the idea that we must be forever changing or else we fall behind can be far too much for many.

So my solution? My idea is an anti-new years revolution!

Instead of something new, what is a something of the previous year that you appreciated? Did you start reading more? Maybe you have been drinking more water as of late? Maybe you have been enjoying cooking more and trying new recipes?

Instead of in stating something new, take something that made you happy into the new year. A continuation of yourself into the new year, instead of a pressure to alter ones self a continuation of what made you happy.

Last year I started reading again, I managed to get through quite a few books and I fell in love all over again with some old favourite reads. I wish to continue that into the new year, reinforcing a good habit and get a few more good reads reviewed.

Just an idea to consider, what anti-resolutions would you make? I hope you have a wonderful year everyone.

Year in review and looking ahead

Hello dear ones, how are we feeling?

I’d like to take a little moment just for you to check how you are feeling, take a deep breath and just settle in for a little read. I’d also like to thank you all, our little community, for all your support this year. I’m so thankful for those of you reading my posts, my thoughts on different topics, it’s been quite the year hasn’t it? Welcome to all the very new people too, you are most welcome here.

This is a bit of a stereotypical post I suppose but I feel like doing it anyway. This year has undoubtedly been hard, at times heart-wrenching, and chaotic, I could easily list and rhyme off countless miseries of the year. But I’m more about hope in this little space. At times it can be more powerful than sadness and fear, which a lot of people can experience at this point. A time when post festive season blues can kick in, or when it can feel daunting that another year is here. People online mocking those thinking 2021 will “magically” be better. But I say, what’s stopping it from being like that?

Now, I’ve pretty much kept you all up to date on what I have been going through but I thought it’d be great to just have a little summary post of things I have enjoyed, little moments, small wins and what I’m so looking forward to now in this new year.

I think one of my all time favourite moments of 2020 was when I was down at my partner’s and we spent a hot, sunny day on the beachfront, sat on a bench and watching innumerous dogs pass by. It was just such a wonderful time, where I felt carefree and I was with my favourite person. We were just sat there for over an hour, and I loved it. Christmas was also so, so wonderful and I got to take plenty of Polaroids to put in a new scrapbook, very retro. Much earlier in the year I got to present and do a bit of motivational speaking for the first time, rather than purely speaking my experiences. It was so much fun!

I am proud of a few accomplishments of 2020 including passing another year of university with flying colours, starting my final year. I have, this festive season, tried two new foods and really enjoyed them. Earlier in 2020 I also found I could watch certain foods cook without being so averse to it. These are huge wins on their own.

I have learned the true value of gratitude and been so appreciative of my aspects of my life. My strength truly has been tested like never before and I’m still coming out winning. As my dissociation got worse, I became so afraid, but with the help of others and through my own self-determination I’m getting back on track. Again, I’m very grateful for this.

So what’s ahead? Well, a lot. This will be the year I finally graduate, I am hoping to do my Master’s Degree if not finding a job in mental health. I will be moving out, across the country. I hope to do more volunteering. I will be continuing this blog. I will get answers about what is causing all my physical pain, I will be trying to get my body stronger. I hope to finally be able to have savings.

It’s definitely sounding like a lot for that. But for now, my goals for the first quarter are to focus on assignments, get a little workout regime sorted and eat a little better, have a small emergency savings fund, focus on deepening my connection to Buddhism and finding a new volunteering placement. Little actions with little steps are the key here. Of course, I will also hopefully create some good content for you here as this section of the internet has been so wonderful for me. I hope that is reciprocated.

I hope you are able to find some wins in 2020, and I hope you all have a magical year ahead filled with such joy, goodness and happiness.

Be gentle with yourself and take care,

L x

The joy of handwritten letters

Hello all, are you ready to get writing?

I’ll get straight into it, for quite some time now I have loved writing letters to people, to friends and other loved ones. I even have a pen pal who lives in Oklahoma and I’ve written letters since I was young starting with my late step-grandfather. Really there’s just something so wonderful about writing letters.

With all of this modern technology; of instant messaging, texts, calls, emails (even though that seems a bit 90s unless you work in an environment that requires emails), writing letters is seen as such an old-fashioned pastime by many people and I want to dispel the myths about this.

Let’s start with one of the main reasons why I encourage you to write a letter to someone, whether it is your future self, even a friend in the same time that you live in or your parents. It calls on connection. When you write a letter you can speak your truth in utter privacy you can ‘talk’ for as long as you want: that letter has no limits. It can be any subject of your choice and it’s your automatic thoughts and feelings on paper that allows for someone to really see how you are feeling and who you are; it doesn’t have to be reduced to characters or a few words on a status.

The recipient of a letter gets the span just a few minutes away from their lives and feeling a part of yours and I think that’s something really special. I saw the addictive and unfortunately bad side of social media but I’m not the one to discourage people from texts and emails, I still use them as a method of communication. I will not judge anyone who prefers that method I’m not anti-technology – I just love sometimes being able to escape away from my laptop, and my phone, and my Kindle, away from all the screens around me and just have this fresh sheet of paper to write whatever comes to mind. Whatever comes from the heart without embarrassment of feeling like I’m sharing too much. I feel like I can surprise someone with small gesture of openness to say, “hello, how are you, what is going on in life, take this moment to connect with me”.

Writing letters has been studied so much in regards to well-being, various mental health charities have shared their findings that writing letters and having penpals can actually reduce loneliness. Loneliness currently is an epidemic that needs to be expelled and there are such a simple tools and writing letters one of them. Writing letters is also known to help your cognition and executive function so that you have a better ability. It also improves the creativity because you are just writing and writing almost as if it was a free writing exercise.

Sometimes I feel I have so much to say but I don’t know who to say it to or how to express it and sometimes a letter can help. Or a little note to say “hey I’m thinking of you” and straying away from just letting someone see words on a screen. Not believe me, I know the power of the word and the power of the internet and I can sound hypocritical because I am writing to you on an internet blog. I have no qualms about technology, either way we interact online as long as it’s safe and enjoyable. But sometimes it can be addictive, and it can feel like you’re not really connecting to someone, and I think sometimes we have to revert to simple methods. There’s just something wonderful knowing that a bit of positive post, something a bit out of the ordinary, a little surprise comes in the mail box alongside all the bills and it can brighten someone’s day, at least that’s been my experience.

What are your thoughts on this? Because I’d love to hear other people’s opinions and I’m also up for having more penpals it means I get to buy cute letter writing sets, let me know.

All my love and happiness to you,

L x